While viewing a video on Instagram, I heard licensed therapist Patrick Teahan say something that stopped me cold. It was his response to a question about the definitive symptom of childhood trauma in adults: “I think, for a lot of us, it’s about trying to get difficult people to be good to us in our adult lives.”

I am not surprised his words went viral. I quickly flashed back to a series of relationships (with a parent, boss, college roommate, sibling or friend) where it felt like I was waging a campaign to get the person to engage with me in a positive manner. There was the toxic boss who played favorites by rewarding those who threw admiration her way, the controlling boyfriend who caused constant drama, and, where it began: the incredibly dysfunctional dynamics of alcoholism with my adoptive mom and dad. I spent way too much time trying to win over the unwinnable.

Never in my life have I heard the exhaustive work of people-pleasing summed up so succinctly. If I needed a sentence to describe an area where I struggle, I’d like to borrow his, please: Trying to get difficult people to be good to me.

Adults grounded in the strong foundation and love of healthy childhoods set boundaries. If presented with a difficult person, they are more likely to call a spade a spade and distance themselves from the difficult person, whereas childhood trauma survivors are more apt to turn inward and blame themselves for what went wrong. Adults who were raised in traumatic situations are much more likely to take a run at winning that difficult person over because it’s a familiar pattern. It’s a relationship game they are used to playing. Or, as Teahan puts it, “it’s a way to navigate people instead of being real with them.” 

Kids who grow up in dysfunctional families develop this as a coping mechanism to survive. They have to win over difficult parents to keep themselves safe. This pattern of behavior in relationships becomes maladaptive in adulthood. It takes a lot of conscious work to unravel old patterns and choose healthy behavior and people. It takes practice to understand that how people act and react reflects of who they are, not who you are.

You are only responsible for yourself. You can’t control and are not responsible for what anyone else does. I find boundaries to be incredibly soothing because they release me from expending enormous amounts of energy trying to appease and please those around me. You set expectations and make it clear what behavior is acceptable to you and what is not. With difficult family members, you can limit how much time you spend with them and disconnect how they treat you from how you see yourself, taking your own personal power back.

My unlearning began decades ago with another mic drop sentence from a therapist: “You are depressed because you go around meeting the needs of your pretend self and not your real self.” I was sacrificing myself in relationships to try to keep the peace, just as I learned as a child. 

To be real in the world means accepting there will always be people who don’t like you, people you disappoint and people who get angry at you. The liberating news is: You don’t have to try to fix anyone. You don't have to win anyone over. We can empower ourselves when we are real.

My therapist gave me sentences to reflect upon in my youth that positively shaped my life:

You spend a lot of time not being you.

Don’t sit on your needs and how you’re really feeling.

Practice being genuine.

Don’t let other people define you.

Be okay with feeling uncomfortable when people are angry at you.

You don’t have to give people the power to hurt you.

Only with a strong sense of self can you truly thrive. Difficult people will only change if they want to. We can let go of trying to fix anyone else or dancing the way they want us to dance so they will like us. 

Today, I often encourage our daughters to be who they are, and if people don’t like them, to find different people. Find people who uplift them. I often say, “You do you,” to remind them of personal boundaries in hopes that they live free of the chains of pleasing others and focus on creating their magnificent journey.