Years ago when one of our daughters was worried about not immediately finding a friend at recess to play with, I encouraged her to seek out someone who looked alone and make a new friend. I wanted her to practice switching the focus from what might happen to what she could make happen. She could turn worry into action while practicing empathy and kindness to another child. She was too young at the time for me to espouse any wisdom on the merits of internal validation over external acceptance (I’m sure she will roll her eyes at me when I do). Instead, I sent her off to school with a simple suggestion of making a new friend by being a good friend. Her efforts worked. She also felt good about being proactive and inclusive.

Small acts of kindness can make a bigger difference than we realize. Sometimes adults forget how much kindness to each other matters. Instead of tearing each other apart online (or off) for sport, what if we try to pour into others? I reached out to Grandmaster Tony Morris, owner of Sun Soo Martial Arts and an eighth-degree Black Belt, to discuss how we can create a world where we lift each other up.

One way to create positive environments is to begin by saying, “When in doubt, focus out,” Grandmaster Morris says. “The notion is when you’re feeling negative, fearful, nervous or anxious, and you’d like to snap out of it, focus out instead of dwelling on negative feelings. There’s an instant shift. When you’re in contribution to another person, those results show up immediately. This works because the giver feels appreciated and uplifted. When that person (the giver) sees they have the capacity to create a positive effect, that means they are valuable.”

Most negative feelings can be traced back to “I’m not powerful” or “I don’t matter,” he explains. “When you contribute and get immediate feedback, you have a positive impact and that’s like a power switch.”

The ripple effect of kindness can spread. “You have no idea what’s going to germinate,” Grandmaster Morris says. You smile at someone. Ask someone else how they are doing and really listen. You open the door for someone. “Be like Johnny Appleseed, constantly toss out seeds,” he says. “These are little gestures but they are seeds you are tossing out into the world. Some will land and bounce off. Some will lie dormant. Some will take root. Maybe you smile at someone when they have a rough day and they don’t say anything; that’s OK because they will notice it internally. Propagate kindness forward. Don’t worry about which seeds will sprout.” 

If you pour into others at the expense of your own well-being, Grandmaster Morris says a solution is some form of self-assessment. “Play little movies in your mind of your life and consider the prices and payoffs of each of those moments. Almost every time I come back after a few days off, I become much more grounded than my typical state of considering 500 things every hour. Then I make changes. Adults always have the tools of conscious grounded assessment and conscious choice available to them.”

Another way to avoid giving to others at the expense of yourself is to fully enjoy the process. He compares contribution to others with dancing. “Dancing is about the constant process of being in relationship with music. If you enjoy getting into the music, dancing will come naturally, but if you are trying to strike the perfect pose, you will never get it. If you’re expecting a particular return, then you will be frustrated,” he explains. “Give in the context of enjoying that relationship, and you will always be satisfied. Enjoy the process of pouring into others, and the surprise of its byproduct returns.

No matter how small the interaction, we can make decisions to invest in people. Whether at a coffee shop or with our own child on the playground, we have an opportunity to pour encouragement and kindness into people, raising the bar on what they think is possible. When we uplift others, we can’t help but feel uplifted ourselves.

“Living in the joy of giving feeds the soul,” Grandmaster Morris says. “You won’t burn out because you are constantly being fed.”

A large volume of interactions done in a cooperative way feeds the soul.