I grew up in a house where we couldn’t talk about anything deeper than the mashed potatoes on the table or else the silverware would go flying from my dad’s fist on the table. Suffice it to say, he wasn’t a talk-about-it person. He didn’t go around investing in friendships, sharing his feelings or deepening his connections to the people around him. Part of it was generational, he was from the school of strong, stoic and silent, and part of it was, well, my dad.

Recently I’ve read several stories that indicate male loneliness is becoming a growing problem with only 21 percent of men receiving support from a friend within the last week compared to 41 percent of women, according to the Survey Center on American Life. Men are reporting higher levels of loneliness than women with one in three men saying there’s no one there to help them if they are in need. Men report acquaintances but indicate that they want quality friendships with some depth.

What’s caused this increase in loneliness in men? I’ve read about several contributing factors. Digital connection is more like the digital divide. Keyboard warriors aren’t always kind. (You may have noticed.) Digital doesn’t fulfill the basic human need for authentic connection. The pandemic resulted in isolation, magnifying the issue for anyone already struggling, and creating an issue for others. Then there’s old-fashioned male conditioning. Even with culture shifts, boys often get the message to stuff emotions, put on a brave front and go it alone.

Squelching emotions and being a rock is not exactly a breeding ground for one of the essential ingredients of friendship—sharing.

Grandmaster Tony Morris, an eighth-degree black belt and owner of Asheville’s Sun Soo Martial Arts says, “Friendship period, male or female, is deepened by sharing. Sharing ideas and emotions requires vulnerability and trust to another person,” he says.

“There’s often an insinuation that vulnerability is a weakness for men, or if you lack confidence in an area that you’re ineffective somehow. The fears and tension that people feel is actually stuff you can share with other people,” he says. “You are not alone in that. The irony of loneliness is that you are not alone in your loneliness. Others have a similar experience. When you share with friends, you start to feel relief.”

Like me, Grandmaster Morris sees vulnerability as strength. “Everyone has struggles, obstacles, things to overcome and ways they’d benefit by improving. If you want to get somewhere else, first recognize this and get clear on who you really are and who you want to be.”

Here are some ways for chipping away at a sense of loneliness:

Share your ideas, thoughts, goals and feelings with people you trust. “Shared experiences foster friendships. When you get comfortable being vulnerable, you end up being inspirational,” Grandmaster Morris says.

Help people like you. “Another way to foster deeper connections is to be a difference maker. Think of other males who might be struggling with the same thing and reach out to them,” Grandmaster Morris says. “Most people find it much easier to facilitate others’ progress than their own. When you contribute to someone else, you contribute to yourself. You prove your value to yourself.”

Volunteer. “Even a tiny bit of volunteer work is medicine,” Grandmaster Morris says. This can be done formally (soup kitchen) or informally (get a can of soup off a high shelf at a grocery store for an elderly person). When you positively affect another person you’re demonstrating to yourself that you’re impactful. Start with what you have access to. A two-second exchange can go a long way.”

Think of the five people in your immediate orbit. The five people you spend the most time with have the greatest influence on you. Be intentional about those relationships. “If you are alone, and not in relationships with other people, then you are not grounded. With a variety of friendships, you are held in stasis. Camaraderie has a stabilizing effect,” he says.

Consider saying you’re lonely out loud. Put that topic down on the table right next to those mashed potatoes. Normalize naming how you feel and being OK talking about it. That’s brave and bold. There’s power and a cathartic release that comes from being real and sharing raw authenticity. Starting with what’s true might be painful before it’s helpful, but it will put you on the right path. Turns out, men need the deep connections of friendship just like the rest of us.

Ground Yourself in Community